


when I have no kind words left, love, for you

by simmer (lemonpie)



Series: each of them made a shipwreck for themselves [2]
Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Drabble, Immortal Jack Sparrow, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:48:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonpie/pseuds/simmer
Summary: A trick perfected over a lifetime of small half-truths, picking his way around lies without ever grabbing them with both hands and letting them dig thorns into his palms. Jack doesn't lie. Everything he says is true, even if it's just in the moment.Jack doesn't lie, not even to himself.So when he opens his eyes to James Norrington's jaw, the faintest edge of stubble there, colourless in the early morning, he can admit to himself that he loves. Has loved for a long time.
Relationships: James Norrington/Jack Sparrow
Series: each of them made a shipwreck for themselves [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099850
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	when I have no kind words left, love, for you

The bed is warm. 

Beneath his head, he can feel the unsteady heave of James' chest, feel the way his heart stutters in his chest. Jack wishes he knew what James is thinking. 

The bed is warm, and Jack is not asleep, though he pretends to be. 

A trick perfected over a lifetime of small half-truths, picking his way around lies without ever grabbing them with both hands and letting them dig thorns into his palms. Jack doesn't lie. Everything he says is true, even if it's just in the moment. 

Jack doesn't lie, not even to himself. 

So when he opens his eyes to James Norrington's jaw, the faintest edge of stubble there, colourless in the early morning, he can admit to himself that he loves. Has loved for a long time. 

But Jack has loved and lost before. 

James Norrington is but a man. Mortal, ending. All things must come to an end, and so too will James. Jack has hung from the gallows, has resigned himself to the sun barely risen as he faces his death. 

Never before has he resigned himself to loss. 

Never before has he not fought, kicking and screaming, to keep what is his. He has made deals with devils and fought them for his time. For everyone Jack has lost, he's gained a new scar. 

He doesn't let them go down easy. Never has.

Now, though, he grasps onto the lie and lets the blood run in trickles down his wrists. He tells himself that it will not hurt, when James Norrington dies. There have been many lives before his, taken by those who would wish Jack ill. Taken by the ocean herself, taken by Jones, by the Locker, by the edge of the world. 

None of them will hurt as keenly or for as long as the loss of James will. Jack knows that, like he knows when a storm is brewing. It's in the air, heavy and electric, between the two of them. 

The bed is warm. 

Hands press to his back, and he feels something like holy. 

The two of them lay there, twined like the thinnest rope. Only when he feels James' breath all leave him in a sigh does he dare to start to untangle himself. Each movement hurts. Each step away feels like tearing out his heart. 

He would trust James to keep it for him. Always. Always, forever, he would trust James to keep it for him. 

Blood runs in trickles around his wrists from the lies he tells himself when it comes to James Norrington. It won't hurt. It won't hurt, and he maybe won't even notice. He can pretend this was all just a trick, something to occupy his time, but that, too, is a lie. He knows James loves him, but he knows James also hates him for what he is. Because he can never stay. It's his nature. 

He rises from the warm bed, and brushes his thumbs over the thin, worn skin of James' eyelids, worshipping, adoring. 

Jack doesn't lie, not even to himself. So he can tell himself, here, in the dark and the quiet, that he loves James Norrington. He has loved for a long time. 

The window is large, and looks out over the water. Jack has never found the ocean so unappealing before. The water has always been home to him, but now, standing beside James' bed as he sleeps, he finds he doesn't want to go. He never does, but now he feels it so keenly, like a tug on his heart. James makes him feel like a person. Like an equal. 

It's lonely at the top, after all. Jack knows that better than people think he does. 

He slinks silently towards the window, boots in hand. And here, in the dark and the quiet, he can say it. Whisper it, while James is asleep. He can say it here, because there's no-one to hear, to see. He can say he loves, and no-one will know. 

The flowers on the sides of the path go down easily under the soles of his feet. 


End file.
